Having a lot of trouble lately. Just can't seem to get everything organized. I have been told that I'm just being hard on myself, but it's hard to see if that's really the case. Even without the alcohol issues, there are too many things to deal with. So I guess I should give myself a break. But I've never done it before, so why start now? Geez.
Had a really long talk with the ex tonight. It was very long overdue. So many dysfunctional issues there dealing with both he and I, as well as the kids. Hopefully this new found communication will last. But who knows with him. He's unpredictable and has a whole different sense of family that I do and I don't know if we will ever see eye to eye. With as much as I have tried to dive deep into my own psychological issues, it's frustrating to see someone else completely ignore his. Perhaps that sounds judgemental and blamey, but I know that it's the truth.
And yes, I know that blamey isn't a real word.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I've got company coming into town today. And we are going out to eat tonight. I know I'll be fine as far as drinking goes because I have taken antabuse a couple days ago and it will definitely still be in my system. I have no desire to deal with any of those effects, so it won't be a problem. But the mental part may be hard. I'm still mad inside that I have to be like this. That I'm not like everyone else. Mostly that I cannot go backward. Back to a time where I could drink and it wasn't a problem. But I had a small epiphany this morning. I knew that the difference between me drinking a drink and say my aunt drinking a drink tonight, is that I have the intention of getting drunk, where she doesn't. And I don't have that stop point. I lose control. It seems like a small epiphany, but it was something that I internally realized as opposed to the logical realization. I can always know what's logical, but accepting that internally is very different. There is a little girl inside my head; she's full of raw, unrefined emotion, hurt, disabled, immature. And sometimes she is in charge. So rational vs. emotional do not always match up. So teaching myself to think with a whole different part of myself is super hard and not a welcome change internally. But it is necessary. I'm trying to think of the good things that I gain every day. Even if it's small. Like how I just got up today and I am able to actually notice things. I don't feel physically horrible, I don't feel ridiculously unfocused. Those are small and I know I'm going to eventually want to experience the feeling of my first swallow and the hours that follow. But finding all those small things in my life that make me happy without drinking will hopefully add up and help me to say no the next time the opportunity comes around.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I am going to go full force into recovery. I have let it ruin my life for long enough now and I have to do something. I have been to a few AA meetings and it seems that the hardest part for me is the one day at a time mantra. I think I'm kind of starting to see it, but it's still hard not to completely be overwhelmed by the thought of doing this for the rest of my life. But I'm willing to give it a try. It is ruining my life in so many ways. I am hoping that this blog can help me get my thoughts out and have a therapeutic effect. It may sound like rambling at first, but I feel very unorganized in my brain and I'm hoping that will wear off as i gain a little more control in my life. Hopefully.