Saturday, February 11, 2012

Changing Sucks

I've got company coming into town today. And we are going out to eat tonight. I know I'll be fine as far as drinking goes because I have taken antabuse a couple days ago and it will definitely still be in my system. I have no desire to deal with any of those effects, so it won't be a problem. But the mental part may be hard. I'm still mad inside that I have to be like this. That I'm not like everyone else. Mostly that I cannot go backward. Back to a time where I could drink and it wasn't a problem. But I had a small epiphany this morning. I knew that the difference between me drinking a drink and say my aunt drinking a drink tonight, is that I have the intention of getting drunk, where she doesn't. And I don't have that stop point. I lose control. It seems like a small epiphany, but it was something that I internally realized as opposed to the logical realization. I can always know what's logical, but accepting that internally is very different. There is a little girl inside my head; she's full of raw, unrefined emotion, hurt, disabled, immature. And sometimes she is in charge. So rational vs. emotional do not always match up. So teaching myself to think with a whole different part of myself is super hard and not a welcome change internally. But it is necessary. I'm trying to think of the good things that I gain every day. Even if it's small. Like how I just got up today and I am able to actually notice things. I don't feel physically horrible, I don't feel ridiculously unfocused. Those are small and I know I'm going to eventually want to experience the feeling of my first swallow and the hours that follow. But finding all those small things in my life that make me happy without drinking will hopefully add up and help me to say no the next time the opportunity comes around.


Dia por Dia said...

One. step. at. a. time. You can do this and yes it will be hard. I am pulling for you as you begin this journey.

April said...

Thanks so much for your support. It's been a big struggle and the hardest part is feeling like I'm doing it alone. I haven't included anyone in my family on this and I've isolated myself so much that I feel like I have no one to turn to. I really appreciate your good vibes!